Melancholy mood

So what do I do to combat it...listen to every Lifehouse song on youtube. ;)

And it occurs to me that what I want is my youth, because when I had that I could have had anything I wanted and I just aimed too low ...sorry out there, you're not bad people, but there IS more than a mold infested dank tavern and gravel roads. And wouldn't I give anything to be young again, as young as my soul feels and oh how I wouldn't waste it. I would make it be worth singing about and writing about and people would aspire to it. and could I ? if I could say possess someone else? if i had that choice...would I take it? at what cost? their life? mine? what about my children? nearly grown and off to lives better than I'd ever had, but still children to me. Would I walk away from them? I know I would to help them, to take up for them to encourage them. When Catherine had a bully i wanted so much to be 14 again and kick some butt. Go back and take charge and exert some peer presure of my own.

ANd to find a good love. which brings us back to lifehouse...which is all sappy love and how much you can make yourself ache by listening to it. I want the whole works, love, angst, yearning, xtcy, passion, jealousy, joy, all of it. I want to not be able to breathe when he's near, or when he's away. I want to feel my heart skip when I see him and feel like a caged animal when I want to get back to him and to spoil him rotten, shower him with every love he's ever imagined. I just want to be IN love not over it, or around it, or outside it anymore.

Which brings me back to age and how that would all be possible if I were young and how I could have someone who stole the very strength from my legs. and I'm not and I don't know what to do with this and not get resentful.

So that brings me back to listening to lifehouse and feeling melancholy and letting wash over and through and maybe getting a little weepy and snuffling and self-piting and then listening and letting it go. what else can you do?

Too many things running around loose

Brittany - my daughter. She has had a rough string of luck in the past 3 weeks. A teacher accused her of cheating, she didn't. She got strep throat, 4 days later she had to have her wisdom teeth out from which she got dry socket. She's stressed and grouchy and won't let anyone but Jonathan in to help her.

Oh a positive note, Catherine seems to be doing just fine :) She's needs some extra attention, tho she really doesn't want it.

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Pale crooked scars lay across the land.

Writing Stickies

An event for one of my projects
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"you never talk to me"
"I do so talk to you"
"No, No you don't. You never just come up and say, 'hey, class was a trip..blah, blah'. like with other people"
"It's not that"
"what"
"that, you know..anything. Guess I just didn't have anything TO say. Wait! that one time we stood and talked for like an hour after class! I do so talk to you... and just as much ."
"that was debating, that was different, that wasn't talking."
"was to me"
"nope. that was just an extension of class. Talking is saying hi, and not that nod thing you do from across the room, but SAYING hi. Or do you avoid me?"

She was half kidding when she asked it, she was only trying to find out if she had offended him in some way, had put him off or needed to apologize for something she did or said. Correct a wrong impression.

He had been standing there munching on a handful of chips, the room was busy with people milling around, making their way to the food line, chatting, grabbing handfuls of snacks from the courtesy bowls on the tables and resting pops, coffee, and juice while they did. All that stopped, it all went to silent static, it all squealched away. He finished his chips, brushed off his salty hands, turned, and fully looked directly at her. Directly. At. Her.

And the electricity scorched her.

"now that...that I do."

And before her heart started beating again, he turned and stalked away.

Chicken and Noodles

Chicken and Noodles and Doodle land
All is well in doodle land after all. Thanks for the panic attack, neurosis. I have my speaker, I'm redeemed after all. I hosted a fun friends get together this weekend and I remembered to come to work...but barely. All I really want to do is gaze off into the distance and day dream. and hope.

Independence needs some daily attention for awhile.

On my post-it-note here I had 6 stresses listed...I'm now down to 4 :)

Chicken and noodles

Noodles - 2 cups of flour, 4 eggs, 1tsp salt, roll out to about 1/8 inch thickness or a little more, let rest an hour, slice into 1" to 1 1/2" squares (use a pizza cutter to make this fast).

Chicken - whole chicken, cover with water, 1 bay leaf, Tony's cajun, garlic salt, celery stalks with leaves. boil till chicken starts to fall off bone, take out chicken to cool. strain stock and put it back in the pot. When cool enough, pick chicken and put it in the stock, add about 3 cups of water, 3 or 4 chicken boulion cubes, and the dried noodles...try to drop noodles right on rolling boil bubble...simmer til nice and thick and stoop-ie.

just so I don't forget...also to save time and mess...you can use the homestyle amish noodles...I bag works for one stock pot and 1 chicken

It's all so over-whelming. I'm so behind and incapable of redeeming myself at this point. I'm becoming my own worst nightmare...I'll let someone down. From now on I'll speak and in their head, or worse to each other, they'll 'yah right' me! They'll roll their eyes, they'll give each other...a look. I've lost credibility. I've lost respect. Of all the things I wanted to do, what kept me from it for so long was THIS feeling right here.

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Roofgee - I like that better
Aurala

No particular reason...but to remember:

She was curled up on him, head on his chest, cuddled in the crook of his arm. The comfort. The sheer joy that made her eyes sting with tears of contentment.
"I want to have this to live in forever, I want this feeling... a toy on a shelf to take down some gray day..." she stifled a yawn. "I love you, I want you to know that." She nearly nodded off.." I thought I'd tell you now, in case I forget to remember tomorrow."

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rufgee

ol' dome