Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Melancholy mood

So what do I do to combat it...listen to every Lifehouse song on youtube. ;)

And it occurs to me that what I want is my youth, because when I had that I could have had anything I wanted and I just aimed too low ...sorry out there, you're not bad people, but there IS more than a mold infested dank tavern and gravel roads. And wouldn't I give anything to be young again, as young as my soul feels and oh how I wouldn't waste it. I would make it be worth singing about and writing about and people would aspire to it. and could I ? if I could say possess someone else? if i had that choice...would I take it? at what cost? their life? mine? what about my children? nearly grown and off to lives better than I'd ever had, but still children to me. Would I walk away from them? I know I would to help them, to take up for them to encourage them. When Catherine had a bully i wanted so much to be 14 again and kick some butt. Go back and take charge and exert some peer presure of my own.

ANd to find a good love. which brings us back to lifehouse...which is all sappy love and how much you can make yourself ache by listening to it. I want the whole works, love, angst, yearning, xtcy, passion, jealousy, joy, all of it. I want to not be able to breathe when he's near, or when he's away. I want to feel my heart skip when I see him and feel like a caged animal when I want to get back to him and to spoil him rotten, shower him with every love he's ever imagined. I just want to be IN love not over it, or around it, or outside it anymore.

Which brings me back to age and how that would all be possible if I were young and how I could have someone who stole the very strength from my legs. and I'm not and I don't know what to do with this and not get resentful.

So that brings me back to listening to lifehouse and feeling melancholy and letting wash over and through and maybe getting a little weepy and snuffling and self-piting and then listening and letting it go. what else can you do?

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