Saturday, November 30, 2013

Why must I rehash lessons?

Ok, so here's a pattern I've recently discerned in my life. Get bored, go on match.com, start dating a very nice guy, watch my own life fall apart, get stressed, end up breaking off the relationship, hurt nice guy, go back to my solitary existence and re-focus and suddenly feel great. (except for the guilt where the guy is concerned).

I've been on this merry-go-round since I was ohhh.... 17? 3 marriages (except the last, that was totally his fault and yes he does know it.) a couple engagements, and then recently some near relationships. 3 to be exact in the last year.

And at the beginning of each was a gut feeling that this was a bad idea. Not because the guys weren't great, they were and ARE! but because I'm not. I'm fickle. and moody. and really quite awful at multitasking and with my life I have enough on my plate yet nothing I can bring to the table for someone else.

So again. I'm taking a vow. I'm friend-zoning the whole male population. all y'all. Yes even Billie Joe Armstrong... friendzoned. For 365 days or until I'm out of debt (I'm 100% sure I can't get out of debt in 365 days.) I will not d.a.t.e.

Neither will I 'hookup' (which I haven't done since my 20's anyway), or go out surfin' dudes. I won't wallow. I won't begrudge. I won't envy.

I will maintain my friendships. I will take care with the feelings of others.

I can't fathom what it is in me that makes me so able and willing to hurt people!

It makes me wonder if that one time not even a year ago, when I had MY heart shattered, if he'd have stuck around would it have just been a couple weeks before I was ready to put him on a shelf too?

Maybe these are things I can work through over the next year. Or maybe I WONT revisit this question at all for at least a year. Instead I'll focus on what I'm supposed to be focused on, my debt, my kids, my home, my job, my church, my writing, my friends, my volunteer work.

I'd say I have plenty to keep me occupied.