Wednesday, August 28, 2013

It's a good start!

Sometimes a trip to church is just what I need to clear things up.

I’ve been fighting life something fierce over the last few months and trying to forge out on my own over and over again. With increasing frustration and hardship spiraling into destructive behavior, a bad attitude, and finally into depression.  And I wallowed in it. I used these emotions as excuses for more complaining and less action.

I’ve been overwhelmed and distracted and I needed to be neither. What I needed was prayer yes, but better yet.. I needed to slow down and listen. I needed my eyes opened to the answers that are right in front of me.

These things became glaringly clear this morning:
I’m not connected enough with my spiritual relationship with God
I’m being nudged into a different job
I’m in the wrong relationship

 Those are the three biggies. Now what actions I take to rectify these I will stick close to my Lord about and step gingerly but deliberately in a positive direction.

The three things that were shown me this morning also created in me some new feelings
My life can be amazing!
I DO have worth.
The opinions of those for whom I have little respect shouldn’t bother me so much.
I have unused talent.

Was this weekend a bottom? Yup. For me it was. And I don’t need to go any further down in order to impress anyone with how far I can fall. That’s an odd statement, but if you’ve ever been around recovering alcoholics you’d soon understand what I mean. So this was far enough.

God has given me enough direction. The destructive behavior urges are even gone this morning. I know where I was when my life was working and I know I can get back there pretty easily. Not without work, but without so much STRUGGLE!

And I feel light and refreshed and on the verge of happy tears J I can talk to my dad and not be full of down news and sadness, which will keep his mind eased. I can go see mom and enjoy spending more than 20 minutes with her. I can enjoy hearing about my girls and be prepared to help them weather any crisis that may come their way.

In essence, I can get back to being me and not something superimposed as me. I can be more authentically the me God hopes I’ll be. And intends me to be.

That was, obviously Sunday, and today, Wednesday has not changed my enthusiasm for the epiphanies of the weekend. In fact, the challenges have continued and my ego is getting totally bashed but during the pain of this I have been given even more insight! I can get past what ever may happen.

By that I mean that I am NOT afraid to change my lifestyle and my pride has sloughed away like bad, dead skin. I’m not worried about how my ex-boyfriend will see me and laugh at my failure, I’m not worried how my peers will see me and gloat over my ‘reduced status’. I hope there are people that will ask me how I got the courage to make such a bold stance to uphold my beliefs. To which I can easily report, through my faith.

I love my house, but I can love anywhere I live. I love my cats, but I can find them homes where they are still loved and cared for (well, most of them), I love my van, but I own outright a good Blazer. I love my garage, but there are ways to cope with winter. I love my things, but I love the people in my life more. These are JUST things. They hold no real meaning. Not even my beloved books. Because guess what, the library has those. And then some.

And to those who think I’m crazy to risk losing my home I say that NO ONE can take my home because my home is with my family and my friends and they will be with me no matter where I go or where I live.

My life isn’t defined by who envies me. My life isn’t about how much I make.  I don’t need to earn enough to support my lifestyle, I’m unafraid to make my lifestyle fit what I earn. Bare minimum if needs be.

With the quality of people I have in my life I will still feel absolutely rich beyond my wildest dreams. 

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